The Tension
James Baldwin says to be a “to be a negro in this country and to be relatively conscious is to be in a rage almost all the time.” I submit that to be a Black woman and leader in America, and to be relatively good at it, is to always maintain an unsteady balance between identity and perception against actual talent, skills, and abilities. This balancing act exists while sitting in a constant state of simmering frustration and disappointment at the mediocrity that exists and thrives around us, while we are being told to be nothing short of perfection personified.
dulling down your shine
Black women are THE most educated demographic, and - per Michelle Obama - once you get tapped to be a leader and sit at the decision-making tables, you often realize that those seated next to you or even at the head of the table are just “not that smart.”
So you sit, speak up, or maybe you don’t - as you try to navigate a new role, as you try to fit in and read the room. You try to not seem too pushy, lest you be seen as the angry Black woman. And even worse you better not actually SHINE because that must mean that you are coming for someone’s job. But frankly, shining is what you were built, trained, and taught to do.
the tension of the two selves
One of the things that I personally struggled with, and I believe many Black women leaders struggle with, is “the tension.” The tension that arises from the perception (and I say perception here because it isn’t real), that there MUST BE two selves. That we need to bifurcate who we are to be successful.
There is the work self, the self that crosses every t and dots every i, the self that never says “ain’t” because African American Vernacular English isn’t “proper”, the self that shows up immaculately dressed with tresses perfectly coiffed. This work self is the same overachieving middle school, high school, college and grad school self; the self that was told you have to be twice as good and never make a mistake because it will reflect poorly on everyone that looks like you. It is the self that got you to where you are. But what about your other self, how do you make room for her here?
The other self that is near deaf from listening to Trap music at the highest levels in your car or in your headphones commuting to work; the other self that wants to show up hoodie clad like the next white tech bro or wants to wear those bright magenta pumps, the other self that has a VOICE and IDEAS, like truly BOMB IDEAS. The other self that is vulnerable, can admit mistakes and is willing to learn from them.
The tension for many Black women leaders is trying to figure out how these two selves can coexist in the same person. Moreover, when Harvard Business Review and everyone’s fave Brené Brown tells you the mark of a great leader is their ability to be vulnerable, but you have been raised, taught and forced to never show weakness or be anything less than perfect, how do you become the Authentic Leader that you were meant to be?
no answers, just new ways of thinking
I think this is the paragraph where I am supposed to tell you all the answers, but Sis, I ain’t got them. I am working right along with you. However, what I will say is that I have developed ways of thinking and being that help me ease the tension in my own life. So here we go.
Don’t lean in. You’ve been leaning in that’s how you got to where you are, taking (calculated) chances, maximizing on opportunities, etc. and now you’re here. Now it’s time to Let it all go.
Let go of worrying about what people are going to think about you when you speak up in a meeting, pitch a new idea or voice your displeasure when a project was not completed to your satisfaction (in a way that is both emotionally intelligent and brave). You can not control others perceptions nor do you need to carry the entire Black race on your back. If you voicing an idea, shooting one down, or holding people accountable is enough for some to think you are “angry” or “uppity” that is THEIR problem and outside the locus of your control. Do not let others ill informed perceptions of you make you want to shrink yourself. Let all of that that go and step into the fullness of you.
Give yourself grace. You can be excellent one day or fall flat on your face the next, all of it is part of your journey as a leader, and that journey - when shared - makes people even more apt to follow you. Real recognizes real. You don’t need to beat yourself up over the wording of that one email or a meeting you lead that went off the rails. Those missteps are not some sort of indicator about whether you deserve to be where you are. Trust me, you do. Also, allowing folks to see some of your missteps, maybe even sharing a setback openly with your team, allows them to see and appreciate THEIR own humanity, to give THEMSELVES graces as they grapple with their own imperfection and that sharing fosters trust. People don’t follow folks they don’t trust. Also, and this is an important part, through your example they can see the success that is possible when you push past those set backs. You’re inspiring, Sis.
Wear the Red Lip, Bamboos (might be aging myself here)/ Big *ss Hoops, and Head wrap ALL. AT. THE. SAME. DAMN. TIME! Don’t forget to TALK THAT TALK! If your clothing style is a part of what makes you you, don’t mute that. Distinct styles aren’t only meant for white men in hoodies or turtlenecks talking about tech. If you like to slip into language that feels more authentically you to get a point across, do it! Leaders are confident in both language and appearance. Often our outer appearance is a reflection of and can assist in boosting our inner confidence. If showing up in a style that makes you feel confident and using words that they ain’t used to hearing (see what I did there) makes others uncomfortable, maybe you need to be seated at a different table. *** SKRRT Pull over right here. *** I did not just tell you to quit your job because they don’t like your head wrap. What I AM saying is that part of easing the tension is also understanding what your must haves or deal breakers are. If you are not going to be happy unless you are able to show your expressive style, you may need to find a new place that supports that. You deserve to work in a place where you can be your most awesome, inspiring, bossed up Black-leader lady self.
Let’s support each other. In full transparency, I am still working on how best to navigate the tension so if you are reading this and you’ve got some tips please do send them my way!
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The author, Shakira O’Kane, is the founder of The Wander Life, Mission Obsessed, Black Girl Flourish, and Black Girl Leaders Lab. She is an “Operations and Process Fairy Godmother. Master Trainer. Coach. Idea Maven. Inspirer. Dope Black Woman.”